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A bomb warning at the station:
in the train I think of ominous
ticking under my seat, imagine
a small round black warmth pulsing.

In my last split second
I’d wonder at how
when the sun shines
the world seems to unfold.

It will freeze tonight,
as the cold fragments
which once were me
will be sniffed at by
lonely patched dogs

Maybe I’d reincarnate
a tall elegant tower with three white wings.
And then another girl with morbid fantasies
would see me through the wagon window,
and smile, because not everything is rotten,
while her life slowly ticked away.
©2004-2009 ~Sarcastig
:iconsarcastig:

Author's Comments

When submitting my last thing, I remembered something I wrote on the train not too long ago. Here it is, after rather severe edits.

Comments


love 0 0 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconvespa-pain:
Amazing imagery. I can relate to the feeling of wanting something to happen...anything.

I'm in love with the last two stanzas. This is definately something I'm going to want to read over and over again. You've done well!! Thanks for sharing.

:heart:

--
shaunda
:iconsarcastig:
Thanks :D You've really given me a little but of hope in my poetic abilities again ;)

--
Hedwig

--As cool as a fruitstand in New York and maybe as strange--
:iconsomesurprises:
I like this a lot a lot.
:iconjustb:
Wow, this is really pretty good. The instances where you use onomotopeia add much to the general direction of the poem, and the way you split off from this story about you and a scary situation to relate to a girl and her life slowly ticking away shows what an imaginative person you are, and also that this girl might be you if you didn't ignore your fears, and continue to ride the train, you might see this as an empowerment of who you are, a congratulatory pat on the back for being a fearless brave courageous person in the face of a world which is attempting to control you with fear. Such a nice read.

--
"I've taken enough walks alone
to know how real nothing is."
~dystopian-dream-girl
:iconflamemc:
Yeah.

Do you know what? I'd leave out the first line, make it a little less obvious. It is implied in the rest of the poem anyway, so I think I'd leave it to the reader to work out.

Maybe the flow could be more constant, the longer sentences in the final stanza disturb it a little IMO.

But yeah, nice one.

--
Comment, to get comments.
Share your kindness, not your hate.
Love the art, before yourself
:iconsarcastig:
thanks :D And leaving out the first line could be a very good idea...

--
Hedwig

--As cool as a fruitstand in New York and maybe as strange--
:iconrwirtz:
I'd say that the first sentence is a keeper. Why, you may ask. Well, let me tell you. Because in that way you instill instant fear in the reader, press his/her nose right onto the facts: urban terrorism. And after that, you sweetly move away from angst and turn into love and life. Great, dark yet hopeful stuff.
:iconsarcastig:
Thanks! But you're not making the choice any easier for me...I could change that first sentence into the title...

--
Hedwig

--As cool as a fruitstand in New York and maybe as strange--
:iconrwirtz:
It's your poem, so it's your decision and whatever you choose, I'll understand ...

Details

April 7, 2004
777 bytes
2.7 KB
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